Carrie
by tickingclocks02
Summary: For Carrie Dollanganger, life is a dark place. However, her life is about to light up when she goes to stay with her sister and her beautiful brother-in-law, Julian. Julian makes Carrie feel different, happier. As romance blooms between the two, Carrie wonders if the scars from her past could be healed. Eventual CarriexJulian
1. The Dancer

I try to make my way through the crowd of giants, searching for my sister, Cathy, and her husband, Julian. Everyone is so much taller than me and _I can't see_. All of these people pressing in on me only add to my nerves; I just flew on a plane by myself for the first time and it certainly provoked the anxiety that often rises inside of me. I force myself to focus on Cathy and Julian and how excited I am to see them. Cathy, my sister, my mother, my best friend. And Julian… my beautiful brother-in-law.

"Carrie!"

My eyes find the source of the cry just a little ahead of me. Jet black hair and fiery blue eyes and sensual lips and that dancer's body are all I see.

Rapidly, Julian closes the distance between us and throws his arms around me, pulling my body tightly against his. I giggle as a thrill courses through every inch of me.

"Hi there, gorgeous sister-in-law!" He presses his lips to my cheek, leaving a generous kiss there. "My, how much you grow to look like Cathy-first thing you know I won't even know the difference-so watch out! Are you positively sure the dancing life isn't for you?"

I reach my arms up to encircle his neck, still laughing. He always makes me feel pretty and normal, even though I know I'm not.

"Don't you dare call me Tinkerbelle!" I say happily. He likes to joke around about how perfect I would be to play a fairy in the ballet.

He lets go of me, both of us grinning. Something in the way he looks my whole body over sends my heart flying out of my chest.

And then I spot Cathy, just behind him. The widest smile bursts onto her face, and I feel the same happen to me. Tears sparkling in her eyes, she grabs me up in her arms. "My Carrie," she murmurs into my hair. "I've missed you more than you can imagine."

A strange sound that resembles a mix between a sob and a laugh escapes from me. "I've missed you, too."

Such overpowering joy fills me as our exchange continues that I can't help but laugh and laugh and laugh. She tells me of all the exhilarating advancements in her and Julian's dancing career and I listen attentively, enthralled. I can only hope to find such success in life when I'm older… I can only hope that God will let me become the amazing woman my sister is.

Later in our conversation, I whisper my most exciting news to her: "I don't wear a training bra anymore. I've got on a _real _one."

"I know," she says quietly enough that Julian won't hear. "The first thing I noticed was your bosom."

Surprised yet delighted, I say, "Really? You can see them? I didn't think they showed that much."

"Well of course they show," Julian intrudes.

I blush, embarrassed that he overheard me but also oddly elated at his comment.

"That's the first thing my eyes go for once they get past a fabulous face," he continues unabashedly. "Carrie, do you realize you have a fabulous face? I just might kick out my wife and marry you."

I giggle stupidly, not knowing what to say. He can't really mean any of that. He _can't_.

Cathy's blue eyes narrow suspiciously at her husband, and she links her arm through mine, leading me away from him. "Let's go find your luggage, Carrie." She covers up her perturbed expression with more enthusiasm. "I just know you're going to have the summer of your life here in New York!"


	2. Wanted

I arrived in New York City two weeks ago. I have been staying with Cathy and Julian in their apartment. The city enthralls me with its contagious energy. The lights that constantly surround me make me feel like a different person. Like a person who could be happy.

Cathy is trying to take me around to the different attractions every chance she gets. We've gone shopping a bit, too, and Cathy bought me so many pretty outfits that emphasize my developing womanly curves. I love how I look in these clothes but I can't help wondering if it's wrong of me to be pleased by my appearance, especially when I wear some of the lower cut tops and shorter dresses.

Julian doesn't seem to mind them. He tells me how gorgeous I look every day, his eyes lingering on me for a long, long time.

One day, Cathy has to leave the apartment for awhile to run some errands. Julian kisses her before she walks out the door, but she is very stiff, not really responding to him. Once she is gone, Julian stares at the door, his expression shadowed. He clenches his hands into trembling fists.

"Julian?" I say softly. "Are you okay?"

He releases the tension from his hands, turning to me. He smiles.

"Yes, Carrie. I feel great."

There's something wrong with his eyes; they're even darker than usual, burning with a dangerous emotion that I can't quite identify.

He sits down beside me on the couch and places his hand on my knee. "Thank you for caring so much about me."

"Of… of course," I squeak out. His hand is hot on my skin and I'm wearing a skirt and I might be imagining it but I think his hand is gradually sliding farther and farther up my leg.

And he's _so close_.

"Julian," I force out, "what's going on between you and Cathy?"

"I don't want to talk about Cathy right now."

Shakily, I ask, "What _do_ you want to talk about?"

"I don't want to talk, Carrie." He draws nearer to me until there is hardly any space separating us. Fingertips grazing my thigh, he whispers, "I think it's about time you've had your first kiss."

And just like that, he presses his mouth to mine.

My heart explodes.

The kiss starts gentle and sweet, but then he pushes my lips apart. I feel his tongue against my teeth, and I let him in. The rest of the kiss is fast and heated.

I have no idea what I'm doing, but he guides me along just fine.

Unconsciously, I grip onto a fistful of his shirt, and he growls a little into my mouth. At first, I worry that I upset him somehow, but then I realize the animalistic noise was one of pleasure.

His hand is under my skirt now.

I gasp, pulling away from him. "Julian," I plead breathlessly. He needs to stop. All of these feelings are _terrifying_.

He chuckles against my lips. "It's okay, Tinkerbelle. I just want to show you how good life can be… I want you to feel like a woman."

The grandmother's voice suddenly echoes in my head, warning of eternal damnation that will surely result from what Julian is suggesting. Am I evil for wanting what Julian wants?

"I can't let you do that."

I say it automatically. I'm too afraid of so many things: I'm afraid of hell, I'm afraid of hurting Cathy, I'm afraid of Julian, I'm afraid of myself.

He smirks, his eyes sparkling devilishly. "We won't actually have sex, I promise. We're just going to have a little bit of harmless fun. And you don't need to be scared I'll lead you through all of it."

Even though he claimed there is no reason for me to be scared, I can't help the heavy pounding of my heart that seems to rattle my entire body. Can I really go through with whatever he has in mind? It isn't sex, he said. And if it _isn't _sex… it can't be _so_ wicked, right?

_A man actually wants _me_, _I think blissfully. And it isn't just any man. It's Julian.

I nod hesitantly, then eagerly. "I'll do it."

Julian grins widely, then leaves another kiss on my lips. "That's my Carrie."

Both of his hands creep up my skirt this time to slip my underwear down my legs.


	3. Evil

Afterward, he kisses me again. This kiss is gentle, grateful. He's not trying to get anything from me anymore, just trying to thank me.

Once Julian finished with what he had wanted to do to me, he asked me to touch him, and I did.

It all felt so good. I'm still high from everything, and I don't know if I will ever come back down.

Maybe now Julian will love me just like he loves Cathy.

Guilt stabs me in the gut. _Cathy._

Abruptly, I rise from the couch, pulling up my underwear and straightening my purple dress with shaking hands.

"We shouldn't have done that," I bite out at him. "You're married to my _sister_."

He laughs bitterly. "No need to worry about hurting your dear sister's feelings. She doesn't love me. She won't care. And what just happened here… that wasn't anything, darling. It's nothing to work yourself up over."

"That was _nothing_?" I stare at him incredulously through my tears, and then I choke out, "That didn't mean _anything _to you?"

His face remains blank.

Revulsion swirls in the pit of my stomach. _What did I do?_

I storm away to the guest room I have been staying in, locking the door behind me. I don't want him coming in to try and talk to me.

"Carrie!" he calls out. I hear him run down the hall until he's right outside my room. "Carrie, of course it meant something, it was with _you_! You are so special, and I just wanted to show you how special you are to me. I don't see what's so wrong about that."

_Special. _To hear someone who isn't Cathy or Chris or Paul tell me I am special means more to me than I want it to. I shouldn't be letting Cathy's husband work his way so deeply into my heart.

"I don't want to talk now!"

He is silent for a moment before mumbling, "I'm sorry I upset you." And then he leaves.

After he's gone, I cry. I don't wail on and on like I used to as a child. I haven't had enough in me to cry quite like that in years. Instead, my tears fall quietly to the pillow on my bed, small whimpers escaping from me.

I know that what we did was not technically intercourse, but it still makes me feel unclean. During it all, I felt beautiful and almost whole for once, but now…

I am evil. I know I am. I should have known better not to go through with something like that. I should have known it had to be sinful.

And to think that I wanted, that I _still _want, Julian to love me like he loves his wife, my _sister_… perhaps that is what makes me evil most of all.


	4. His Fairy Girl

The darkness always comes in unexpected waves. Those waves overwhelm me, pull me under, leave me gasping for air. The water crushes my lungs. My heart withers away in my chest until I am nothing.

When I finally start to rise out of that ruthless ocean, I choke out his name.

"Cory."

It all feels so loud to me, so earth shattering. I always wait for Cathy or Julian to come running to my room, concerned about the commotion. But they never come. Somehow, all of those crashing waves fit inside of my head, where only I can hear them.

I clutch the sheets underneath me in both hands. Tears roll softly over my skin.

"I love you," I whisper. "I still don't know how to do this without you."

Living without my twin brother has always been impossible. With Cory missing from my life, I am incomplete.

When I finally force myself to stand, I see myself in the mirror across the room. I am pale and trembling with hollow blue eyes. I steel myself against the pain. I don't want Cathy or Julian to think something is wrong.

After I dress, I straighten my shoulders and march out to the kitchen. Cathy notices me and smiles. I force myself to smile back.

This is how many of my days begin.

Julian and I still have not spoken about what happened between us. Our relationship is now awkward and strained. It's hard for me to look at him.

One morning, I wake up alone in the apartment with him. Cathy had to buy groceries or something, he tells me.

I stare at him fearfully, my heart knocking violently into my ribs.

"Carrie, don't look at me like that. I'm not going to hurt you." Eyes pleading, he adds on, "Please sit down with me. I just want to talk to you."

Reluctantly, I nod. I sit beside him on the couch, right where _it _happened.

I can't meet his eyes.

"I'm sorry about what happened, sweetheart. It wasn't right of me to do that to you. You're just a child… You're my Carrie. But I want you to know that I would never intentionally hurt you. I thought I was helping you."

I try to harden myself against his words, but it is difficult. I snap, "Are you sure you weren't just trying to help _yourself_?"

"Oh, I was definitely trying to help myself." He smirks, but the expression quickly fades. "But I also wanted to help you. I thought it would make you feel good, but I was obviously wrong."

I am silent for awhile before I say, "You weren't wrong." My skin burns with embarrassment. I finally let my eyes skip over to his, but only for a moment.

He releases a breathy chuckle. "I'm glad I wasn't wrong." Then he takes my hand in his. "So are we okay?"

Gazing into those brilliant blue eyes, I couldn't possibly say no. "Yes. As long as that doesn't happen again."

"Of course it won't." He smiles brightly and envelops me in his arms. He murmurs into my hair, "I'm so happy to have my fairy girl back."

I return the embrace. "I'm so happy to be back."

And I mean it more than I have ever meant anything.

A/N: I just wanted to thank all of you who have kept up with the story so far. It means a lot to me that you actually find my story interesting. :) By the way I just found out that Petals is coming out on May 26th and I am so pumped! I can't believe how soon that is this is so insane the first movie just came out what is happening sorry if I'm rambling I'm just so excited okay bye now.


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